Thursday, February 01, 2007
Today, the sucky feeling hit rock bottom. I hope it's just a serious case of PMS & not some omen. I contemplated whether to post this up bcos sometimes i just dun need the world to know about somethings but i think i really need to let of some steam if not i'll go mad. I dun think i'll go into detail about things. Maybe there's even nothing to complain about, but i just feel very frustrated. About what, i dunno oso.
Valentine's Day is coming up real soon. I have oways been a big fan of occasions. It oways makes a good reason to buy something nice for loved ones, and in turn receive something nice from them. But recently, its losing its novelty. When it seems like a chore for the other party, it makes me can't be bothered as well. And it makes me sad. Cos i'm not like that. I never thought such things could rub off on me. But it's beginning to. In such a short period of time, so many dismal occasions. It's hard to beat. I dun think i'm being difficult, neither do i think i'm asking too much. Here's a guide:
1. I dun expect anything expensive, even though it'll be nice. But when they say it's the thought that counts, its true.
2. Speaking about it's the thought that counts, it follows up with an action that shows you put your heart into it. Again, it doesn't have to be costly, but whatever you come up with really shows how much effort you put into it.
3. Saying "If i can't get you the best, i'd rather not get you anything" is unacceptable. Period.
4. Occasions have a date for a reason. So no belated celebrations please. Unless something seriously big crops up.
5. I also dun believe in combining the whole year's worth of presents into one i.e. "I'll give you the LV/Gucci/Balenciaga/whatever bag you wanted for Xmas but i wun get you anything for the rest of the year". No thanks. It has lost its meaning. I'll get the bag myself.
6. I'm someone who takes what is told to me seriously seriously. So if you noe you screwed up, and you promise me it wun happen again & it'll be better the next time round, do it. Dun make me lose my trust in you. Dissappointment is hard to beat.
*DisclaimerI am in no way implying that the above are things my Valentine does to me. It's just a guideline, hopefully for better tings to come.
My paycheque for last month is sitting in my bank account as of now. I hope it stays there. Not only did i not save a single cent last moth, i spent more than what i took home as pay. Thats scary. I shall try to be disciplined this month but its gonna be hard. Bcos i feel the need to pamper myself a little & indulge. I wanna go on a holiday, i wanna get myself something pretty. I wanna stop overspending on food & petrol. I dun think it's worth it. To each it's own i guess.
*Sigh* I feel bad. I'm in no state of mind to work today. I just wanna hang out wif my girl pals or go home & hibernate. I think i just need a shot of Prozac.
Darls, i feel we are drifting apart somehow. This is not a finger pointing session. So dun get defensive bcos i know you're just gonna turn the tables on me. I dun even noe if you're gonna read this but i just need to let some of it go you know. It's not good to let it eat me from the insides. I noe we spend quite alot of time together but it's not much quality dun you think. For me, i oways meet you with the hope of spending some quality time with you but somehow it doesn't turn out that way. I dunno ijit bcos you unconciously meet me for the sake of it?
You have oso been snapping at me for the tiniest of things recently. Wassup with that? When i tell you, you turn it around and say that i snapped at you first or the few times when i could quote word for word what we said to prove it, you just brush it off. It gets frustrating. I wanna noe whats on your mind. There are so many things to say but i just dunno what. Some are just unsuitable for the public's eyes.
I need to know your level of commitment. I know you are committed to me. But to what level? You may say totally. But you gotta look deeper into yourself. Remember the conversation we had at my house before the Xmas celebration? It hit you what i said din it. Its just things you never thought about. Not in that way at least. I dunno ijit bcos u r still young. But i dun tink so. You are younger than me. But not too young to think in depth into certain things. You gotta get rid of your "That's the way i am, take it or leave it attitude". That's no way to make things work. That's not compromising. Dun push everything to the way you were brought up. Thats escaping. That's not being a man. You are your own man. You have your own mind. Use it.
-Haix- I dunno lah. I think i just need a little more of the old you. The cheerful, caring & affectionate old you. Has your work reduced you to this? If you are bitter about anything at work, i'm here to listen, but dun let that affect us k. Remember that sweet words may pacify me but empty promises won't. I love you nevertheless. The worst thing is i'm not sure if i feel any better after typing all these. WTH. Maybe its just me. Can i just take the day off?
Asphyxiated at at 10:13 AM
