Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Been having a lot of things on my mind recently. Some things I can just brush off, some things affect me and only me so it’s something I can’t ignore. I like the company of friends and loved ones, but I don’t like opening up about some things until it’s over or until I have a clearer direction on how I am going to handle it. That’s just how I am I guess. Having said that, don’t expect me to reveal anything too personal.
For other things that bug me and that I can reveal here, it doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to me. It’s just different matters of the heart altogether. Maybe I shall just share one incident. I think it’s something I may have mentioned before (actually I’m quite sure it has. Haha). It is something I still have to watch my words with cos my intention is not to make people feel like I’m publicly slamming them and the last thing I want is for others to read and be able to identify who I am talking about.
This thing has been happening for as long as I can remember, which I guess means that is just the way this person is. And because of this reason, I don’t fault the person completely, but it’s just unhealthy behavior in my opinion. And on top of that, it somehow affects me, which is why I feel so strongly about it and feel the need to say something.
I think it has reached a stage where I feel like I know the person so well, as in I know how this person will react in certain circumstances, but yet it is still something which is beyond my understanding why and how a person can be like that. Sometimes I question my importance as a friend to this person, and I can safely say I am not the only one who feels like we have been taken for granted.
I don’t need a friend to call me up everyday, or chat with me online often, or is oways free to meet up with me, but when a person almost completely disappears, it makes me think twice about certain things. When I do pick up the phone to make a call or send a text to this person, sometimes the reply comes eons later. And it makes me not wanna call that person anymore. You may think that ‘oh, it is just like some people to forget to put their phone on sound mode’, or ‘some people don’t keep their phones next to them so you can’t expect them to hear it every time you call’. All I can say is I think I know this person better. But no matter what, I shall not jump to conclusions and shall try to continue painting a pretty picture for myself. Ha.
I feel that people need some balance in their life. I don’t expect to command more importance than a BF/GF or family, but when you totally forsake your friends, do you feel nothing at all? As much as a friendship shouldn’t be about obligations etc, but when after awhile it feels too one-sided, and that one-side which is constantly putting in the effort and seeing nothing in return is bound to get tired of it one fine day. It’s kinda sad how things have become. Everyone can pretend nothing has changed, but everyone knows that it’s something that will oways be there. It is a wrong that can so easily be made right. It doesn’t take that much effort to make a 2 min phone call or send an sms. For that 2min of effort in exchange with a lifetime of solid friendship doesn’t sound like that bad a deal if you ask me.
Sometimes I wonder if that person knows that friends are being forsaken, just that somehow that person can’t bring their self to turn down or delay another plan. The worst is when I feel that somehow, plans are not even put on priority in case the person's partner decides to plan something for the day and so friends are conveniently kept one side and brushed off with 'I’ll let you know again'. If it is that case, then I just feel that over-dependence on a particular person is highly unhealthy. Sometimes I really wonder. Cos many-a-times, I have heard this person preach and loudly declare about how couples shouldn’t stick to each other too much, and how friends are important. And upon knowing more, you realize that such statements are made when that person’s partner is not free or doesn’t want to meet that person. And that is when I wonder why I am there for. As a spare tire? Even if I am one, don't say things which makes others think that you are a hypocrite. Not only do you make yourself look stupid, you make your friends feel stupid.
I dunno lah. It is something I really dunno what I should do about. I wish that things would improve, simply because I treasure this friendship a lot. On the other hand, I cannot be sure that if brought up, things would improve as it is somehow just like this person to run and hide from certain issues instead of facing it and trying to rectify it.
I think I shall stop for now after releasing my pent up thoughts.
Met up with Jes last nite at Xin Wang and after that when we moved over to Mas-Ayu, Chixy joined us. I love the Mee Bandung at Mas-Ayu. Yummers. It was another nite of Kokology, ghost stories and then some. Haha.
Meeting my bitches for lunch tomorrow and then we are going to see tattoos. And I still haven’t decided on a fixed tattoo yet. *sigh* It’s been a long time since we last had steamboat together man! At nite is going to be a date with my Mandy dear. Can’t wait!
Loves~
Asphyxiated at at 7:14 PM
