. . . . . . . . . . I never meant to cause you any sorrow I never meant to cause you any pain I only wanted one time to see you laughing I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain . . . . . . . . . .
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
I am attempting not sleeping at all. Simply because my sleep cycle is so fucked up that I only fall asleep in the afternoon and I wake up around 8pm. That’s damn fucked up. Cos preferably, I wanna fall asleep early in the morning just before the sun rises, and wake up in the afternoon. But time has been passing surprisingly fast. I think I’m just lucky everyone seems to be having a good day at work today, thus I have much entertainment to keep me occupied. It doesn’t help that Class95 keeps playing retro songs! It’s making me crave Zouk!!!! I’m not sleepy/ tired at all but I know what happens when my body is deprived of sleep - I go slightly mad. Like I’m on a high or something. But that’s normal for me.
Anyway, it suddenly hit me how many things I miss. It could be anything from people I used to hang out with, to places I used to go, to things I used to do, to a certain ‘feeling’.
I never found it a chore, and it came naturally to me to do what I do, because I put people before myself and simply because I care about these people. These people could be friends, family, BF etc. It’s not narrowed down to specific people, but it suddenly hit me how tiring it is to do so much for people, only to see it taken for granted like it’s something I was supposed to do. It’s worse when after all that, people are still able to find fault with you. I’m not an easily emotional person. I can be very patient as well. But once I reach my limit, there’s no turning back and no salvation anymore. There’s a reason why I can be somebody’s best friend, but I can also be their worst enemy.
Sometimes I do so much for people that I feel I’ve kinda lost myself somewhere along the way. But I know if I do find myself back suddenly, it’s not gonna be pretty. Cos a good part of the things I miss that used to be part of me, aren’t exactly the most ‘right’ things. But then again, that part I miss may not be a part of me. It may just be a trigger for me when I feel unappreciated, or it may be because it’s something I’ve been doing for a long time oready. When I do something I know is wrong, but it doesn’t faze me in anyway at all, I don’t have a problem doing it. But I think I’ve been under quite good control for awhile now, just don’t push me to do things I don’t wanna do. I know this is vague. But don’t try guessing what I’m talking about. Cos it’s something I won’t say.
Anyway, talking about being tired makes me miss something which not many people can give me - The ultimate feeling of security. And by saying security, it includes a whole range of things - comfort, safety, love, loyalty, warmth, happiness, and the list goes on. It’s something hard to describe in words. It’s something you know when you feel it. It’s knowing you can let everything go, let every thought clear from your brain, rid yourself of all stress and unhappiness, not having a care in the world, and yet feel safe cos you know somebody is there, looking out for you constantly and there’s no chance in hell that person is gonna let anything bad happen to you. To just completely let go and let someone take charge is such a good feeling, even if it’s just sometimes. But with some people, I don’t feel it at all. And it’s draining to take on such a responsibility long term. It’s sucking what I am from my being. And it’s gonna dry out soon if nothing replenishes it. I can be your security blanket, but I can also crash and burn because I am but human. I’m tired of being superwoman, a single mum, a nanny, a caregiver, all rolled into one.
But’s let’s just blame all these on me having lack of sleep yah.
All of my regret will wash away somehow But I cannot forget the way I feel right now In these small hours
